


Stevey

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-11
Updated: 2012-05-11
Packaged: 2017-11-05 04:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/402474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A retelling of  the wonderful 1950 movie 'Harvey' starring Jimmy Stewart. Tony's imaginary friend is a six-foot tall super soldier from the 1940's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stevey

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Tony picked up a large artist's portfolio. He went to the Audi and opened the passenger side door to put the portfolio inside. "Right, are you comfortable? Good." He shut the door, got in on the driver's side, and drove off. 

"I thought he'd never leave," Natalie said. 

"Tony always goes bar-hopping in the afternoon." Pepper led the way to the dining room which had been set up for an elegant, if informal, buffet. "He'll spend hours down in Malibu, don't worry." 

A man dressed in caterer's uniform was in the room, frowning and punching numbers into his cell phone. "Mr. Stark was here."

Pepper and Natalie exchanged worried glances. "Well..." Pepper began.

"He introduced me to someone who _wasn't_ here." The caterer straightened his tie. "I don't feel comfortable. Goodbye."

Natalie looked at the outside door shutting behind the caterer. "People get shot every day, Tony could easily be one of them."

"Tony may be eccentric, but he's still my friend. You won't shoot him." Pepper opened her cell phone. "I'll just call in one of the other caterers."

"Is there one that hasn't heard rumors about Tony? Running the company with him around is nearly impossible!"

"Well, it _is_ his company." Pepper frowned and kept scrolling numbers down, looking for one that didn't have an 'X' next to the name.

"His and Stevey's!" 

Pepper nearly dropped her cell phone. "Don't! If you mention Stevey in front of the board you'll ruin everything!" 

"Why on Earth did Howard leave the company to Tony?" Natalie grumbled as she went around the table, checking that the Swedish meatballs were hot, and the ice-sculpture swan was cold. "We can't hide him from them forever!"

"Just this one last board meeting to get them to accept you as R&D chief, and we'll be able to handle it. We can tell them Tony's retired. He won't notice a thing and can keep on making tech in the basement."

"That's if he doesn't wander in while they're here! We should have rented a banquet hall."

"Obadiah was getting suspicious. We have to hold it in Tony's house. We'll just tell them he's flown off to Japan because he had a craving for authentic sushi." Pepper sighed. "I'd better call Director Fury to make sure Tony's kept occupied." She tapped a number into the phone. "Director Fury? I'm holding a party for the board, and Tony has gone out, but I'm worried he might return. Could you send an agent to distract him, please?"

Back in his office, Fury nodded. "I'll take care of it." He hung up the phone. "Agent Coulson! You're on Stark-sitting duty. Keep him away from his house for a few hours."

Coulson's face twitched. "Tony Stark? Couldn't you assign another agent?"

Fury didn't look up from a dossier he was studying. "No."

Coulson sighed, and left the room. "Oh. Better recharge my taser." He went to the executive agent washroom and plugged it into the shaving outlet. Another executive agent entered the room. "I hear you got stuck with the Consultant," he said cheerfully. Coulson's hand twitched, and the taser went off, shocking him and leaving him on the floor, drooling. The other agent looked down at him. "Oh, hey, I think... I had to fill out a report. Good luck with Stark." The man hurried off. Coulson continued to drool.

***

Tony entered Bucky's Bar with the portfolio under his arm. He pulled out a bar stool and leaned the portfolio against it before taking the next seat for himself. "It's a lovely day, isn't it?"

"Beautiful, Mr. Stark. And how is he today?"

"He's wonderful, like always." Tony smiled. "Two vodka martinis. Make one dirty, please."

The bartender nodded and prepared the drinks, setting them down in front of Tony. "Oh, by the way, Mr. Barton is back." He nodded towards the back of the room.

"Thanks!" Tony moved one glass in front of the stool propping up the portfolio. "I'll just go say hello. You'll be all right here, won't you?" He smiled and took the other drink with him back to a table in the dim-lit part of the room. "Clint! We've missed you!"

Clint looked up at Tony and smiled. "How are you?"

"Great. We're both great. It's good to see you again." Tony sat down at Clint's table and had a sip of his martini. "They've been keeping you busy."

"Yeah, there's always some loose ends that need tidying. And you know how Fury likes things to be neat."

Tony laughed. "Yeah, I know Fury. Oh, hey, do you want to come over for dinner?"

"Tonight? Are you sure Pepper will want to be entertaining again so soon?" Clint swiveled his laptop around to show him a Shield confidential report. "There's some sort of wine and dine for the Stark Industries Board of Directors going on right now."

Tony looked at the laptop. "Huh, I guess Pepper told me, and I forgot. I'd better show up or she'll be disappointed with me. Well, we'll make it tomorrow night, say seven o' clock. I'll make some new explosive arrows for you. We can play with them in the basement."

Clint grinned. "Sure, I'd like that. I'll see you then."

***

Obadiah looked around the living room of Tony's house. "Where's Tony?" From the living room he looked into the dining room, which was full of members of the board of directors, chatting and working on the buffet and the open bar.

Pepper smiled at him. "Oh, you know Tony. He's always working."

"Down in his workshop? I'll just go down and say hi."

Natalie said, "Oh, no, he went out for... he needed some..."

"Sushi," Pepper said. "He had a craving for sushi." She smiled nervously. "You know how he gets these cravings."

Obadiah frowned. "I hope he'll be back soon. You know, he's the main reason I've come. I haven't seen Tony in years. Come to think of it, I haven't heard anyone on the board mention seeing him in years. Does Tony see anyone?"

"Oh, yes!" Pepper said. "He does."

"I know he's ... Tony, but you really should try to get him to a board meeting once in a while."

Tony entered the house. "Obie! It's good to see you!"

Obadiah smiled. "Tony! How've you been?"

"Just great, Obie!" And before Pepper or Natalie could stop him, Tony turned to one side and grinned, left arm held out curved around nothing. "I've told you about Obadiah, haven't I Stevey? He's one of my oldest and most trusted friends. Yes. That's right." Tony clasped Obadiah's hand briefly. "Well, we have to go and circulate, glad-hand the Board." Tony gestured at the empty space beside him. "After you, Stevey."

Obadiah looked at Pepper. "Well. I think I will be going now."

Natalie fingered a garrote at her belt and glared at his back as Obadiah left. Pepper pulled out her cell phone. "Fury? Is that Reality treatment reliable?"

***

"No, Tony, you have to come to SHIELD now," Pepper said firmly from inside the limo. "Natalie and I can't handle this without you."

"Oh, well, all right." Tony smiled. "I know I work you too hard. Do I tell you how much I appreciate you? I could send you flowers? You like flowers, right? You're not allergic to them, are you?"

"No, I'm not allergic to flowers, Tony." Pepper smiled as Happy held the door of the limo open.

Tony got in. "Wait a sec, Happy." Tony scooted over and patted the seat beside him. "You can sit here, Stevie. All right, Happy, we can go now. " As the limo started off down the drive Tony hummed and smiled, while looking out the window and holding the portfolio on his lap. "It's a lovely day."

"Yes, it is, Tony." Pepper wiped at her eyes.

"Oh, maybe you are a little allergic," Tony said, fishing a clean handkerchief out of his pocket. "Here."

"Thanks." Pepper sniffled a little. Natalie nudged her in the shoulder and Pepper sat up straight. "I'm fine."

"That's good, Pep." Tony patted her on the knee. "You're one of my favorite people, you know. I'd do anything for you."

***

"Mr. Stark, if you'll come with me." It wasn't phrased as a question.

Tony looked up and then up again at the broad-shouldered, crewcut, tattooed nurse. "Yes, ma'am. Are Pepper and Natalie coming, too?"

"No, Tony," Natalie said as the nurse took a firm grip on Tony's arm. "We have to do some paperwork with Fury."

"Oh, right," Tony said as he was being hustled down a sterile, white hallway, "Give Fury my love!"

***

"Well, since Tony has assigned you power of attorney and named you as his next of kin, we can do this." Fury got up from his desk to hand Pepper a box of tissues. He looked past her to Natalie. "I don't believe we require your presence at the moment, Ms. Rushman."

"No, sir," Natalie said. She smiled. "I'll just go have a talk with Agent Coulson." She left, with that same smile lingering on her face, much the same way a shark's does.

Pepper sniffled into a handful of tissues. "Tony... he just... ever since Howard died, Tony's been drinking, and he brings home the most awful people."

Fury put on a sympathetic face, which looked much the same as his 'I don't give a shit' face. "Yes, I know about all the one-night stands."

"Oh, them." Pepper waved a bunch of tissues in a dismissive gesture. "I don't mind putting out the trash."

"Well, then, what's the problem?"

Pepper started crying again. "It's Stevey!"

"Oh. Well, you know, Tony..." Fury spread his hands. "He's... indiscriminately affectionate. Just because he's bi-sexual doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him. You don't mean you want us to turn him straight, do you?"

Pepper looked up at Fury, for a moment indignation taking over from near-hysteria. "Of course not! Natalie and I have a perfectly normal lesbian relationship, and we certainly wouldn't allow anyone to try to _fix_ us!"

"That's good, because the treatment doesn't do that, anyway. It just makes a person permanently rational."

"And you're sure it's safe?"

"Oh, absolutely. Agent Coulson volunteered to test it. You've met him."

"Yes." Pepper looked thoughtful. "I've met him." She shook her head. "I just... we just can't go on like this any longer. It's Stevey this, and Stevey that."

"And you're afraid this Stevey is likely to try for palimony or something of the sort?"

Pepper stared at Fury. "Of course not! Stevey is a six foot tall super-soldier from the nineteen forties! He's a perfect gentleman! Even if he IS invisible!"

Fury sat back down behind his desk, and pressed a hidden button.

"So, that's what Tony tells you?"

"Well, it's not just what Tony says! Sometimes I've seen Stevie myself! He's every bit as tall as Tony says." Pepper paused for a deep breath. "Natalie is a little jealous of him, I think, but she shouldn't be. I would never cheat on her with Stevey!"

"No, of course you wouldn't." Fury smiled as a tall, crewcut man entered the room. "Would you escort Ms. Potts to Preparation Room B?"

***

Tony looked up as Fury opened the door of Preparation Room A. "Hello!" He was sitting on a stainless steel examination table, swinging his legs idly.

Fury coughed. "Why are you naked, Mr. Stark?"

Tony frowned. "I'm not exactly sure. The nurse said something about a physical examination. I thought there must be some mistake, but then, I thought maybe it was a new security measure." Tony grinned. "Either way, I've got nothing to hide." Tony tapped on his arc reactor. "I think there should be more nudity in the world-- climate permitting."

Fury grunted. "Yeah. Well, Ms. Potts is going to be here for the rest of the day, but it turns out we don't need you. I know you're a busy man, so I won't detain you further."

"Oh, fine." Tony hopped off the table. "I wanted to go buy flowers for Pepper, anyway. Have you seen my pants anywhere?"

***

Natalie entered Fury's office, smiling brightly as she cleaned something suspiciously red from under her fingernails. "So, have you got Tony grounded in reality yet, or do we need to come back and pick him up later?"

Fury frowned. "There's nothing wrong with Mr. Stark. It's Ms. Potts who needs the treatment. She's being evaluated now."

"What?" Natalie pulled a StarkPad from out of a hidden place on her clothing and slapped it down on the desk in front of Fury. "Just look at that and tell me Tony's not crazy!" She pulled up a video file. 

Moans and groans emerged from the tiny speakers. "Steeveeee," Tony cried out before there was a loud thump, and then Tony giggled. Fury blinked, and then rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Fuck."

"Precisely." Natalie put her hands flat on Fury's desk. "Stark is raving mad."

"I'll send Coulson to get him."

Natalie inspected her fingernails. "He's on medical leave."

Fury sighed. "Fine. I'll get him myself."

***

"Mr. Stark, I need you to come with me."

Tony looked up from the landscaping he was denuding of flowers, taking out one of the dots between the letters in the word S.H.I.E.L.D. spelled out with various colored mums, dahlias and columbines. "Oh, well, if you say so." Tony looked down at the flowers in his hand. "Do you think Pepper will like these? I was just going to buy her roses, but then these looked nice, and I could give them to her sooner."

"They're lovely. Come on."

Tony picked up the artist portfolio with his other hand and came up to Fury, still smiling. "Is Pepper still busy? I wouldn't like her flowers to wilt before she sees them."

"No. She's not busy." Fury looked at Tony. "What happened to you? You used to be a smart-ass."

Tony smiled. "Well, yeah. My mother told me something a long time ago. She said, " 'In this world, Tony, you have to be either very smart, or very pleasant.' I was a genius for years. It didn't make me happy. And then I met Stevey. He doesn't think all that much of geniuses. But he makes me happy."

Fury cleared his throat. "About that... Pepper wants you to take the reality treatment."

Tony looked at Fury, mildly puzzled. "I don't think I really want that. It's nice of Pepper to think of me, but honestly, reality doesn't hold much appeal. So if it's all the same to you, I'll give it a pass."

***

"Hi! Pepper! Look what I got you! They're your favorite colors, right?" Tony held out the bunch of flowers to Pepper, smiling.

"Oh. Yes, Tony." Pepper took the flowers, awkwardly. "So, Fury told you about the treatment. It'll make everything so much better."

Tony blinked. "But Pepper, I won't be able to see Stevey any more if I do that. You know."

Pepper started sniffling again. "I just... I can't take it any longer. I've got the company, and Obadiah, and, and, S.H.I.E.L.D. and reporters and... oh, god, the Board of Directors... and I NEED you to be not crazy, Tony!" She sobbed into the flowers.

Tony frowned. "Well... I... I guess... I mean..." He looked at Fury and sighed. "I always thought Pepper should have anything she wanted." He patted Pepper on the shoulder. "This means that much to you?"

Pepper cried harder. Natalie gave Tony a dirty look. Tony sighed and put the portfolio down, leaning against a wall. "All right. I'll do it."

***

Natalie was consoling Pepper when the wall caved in around the fist of a huge black metal figure. "Tony!" the massively amplified voice of Obadiah Stane blasted out, raising a cloud of dust from the concrete debris. "I'm going to kill you and take over the company!"

"Fuck," Fury said, "And me without my rocket launcher." He pulled out a magnum and sighted along the helmet of Obadiah's armor. "Should never leave home without it."

Tony hopped naked off the examination table, brushing aside the hypodermic one of Fury's many, many huge nurses was aiming at him. "Sorry, Pepper! I have to go be crazy now for a while." He ran to the portfolio, and turned it inside out, dumping out a red, white and blue shield, along with a pair of silver bracelets. He clipped the bracelets on his arms and stood like da Vinci's Vitruvian man, shivering and jerking for a few seconds while nothing anyone could see happened to him. 

"Let's get him, Stevey!" Tony shot up on jets of light, crashing through the roof and out onto the lawn.The shield lifted into the air and followed him.

Obadiah in his suit of armor followed them both, tromping flat what was left of the exterior walls, so Fury, Pepper and Natalie had a clear view, and Tony in particular was very clearly all there, and obviously enjoying himself enormously. "TONY!" Obadiah shouted.

"Hey," Tony said as he buzzed low over Obadiah. "You never did shake hands with Stevey!"

The shield flew through the air, chopping into a weak point at the back of the neck of Obadiah's armor. Obadiah fell with a lot of sparks and cursing and smoke. Tony landed on top of him and danced for a moment. "Hey, guys, isn't my stealth armor neat!"

The shield moved close to Tony. "Give me five, Stevey!" Tony crowed. Through the smoke, there was an outline of what sure looked like a six foot tall super soldier.

Fury looked at Pepper. "I think I prefer him crazy."

Pepper sighed.


End file.
